Reflections on Fatherhood

First and foremost, due to challenges this weekend, my Sat. blog post was handwritten, but was unable to log on to get it in electronic format. So, here it goes.

As I stare at my 3 kids everyday, I always reflect on how I think I'm doing as a dad. I've come to realize that there is not a manual for parenting.... AT ALL. I'd never buy one of those "better parenting" type books as long as my conscious and love for humanity exists in my inner being. All kids are different so this whole process of "parenting" is trial and error. I hang my hat on 2 specific self reflection questions, which are:

1. Am I actively listening to my kids' concerns, passions, interests, etc.?
2. Am I fully supporting my kids in all their endeavors, great and small?

Some days I feel as though I fall short in both of the above areas, but the goal is to improve upon yesterday's interactions/relationships with them. As they get older, their interests change, and I must do what I can do to support them. We know that the interests and passions of kids can lead them to their calling or destiny in life.

Another component to this is working with my wife in order to be the best father I can be. As fathers, we can't even put into words or fully grasp the bond that exists between a child and mother. I have grown to love our conversations with in reference to our daughters and son because I learn even more about my kids. The conversations held with mom can and will differ from those held with dad. That "mommy" insight helps tremendously. 

I have had outstanding men in my life, especially those I worship with weekly, that I have observed and "stole" things from to improve myself in being the family man that I was called to be.

When Being Blunt Goes Wrong....Crafting the Message

As a continuation of yesterday's blog post on crafting the message, one concrete example below will consume today's post.

Scenario:

John is an 8th grade student in Mr. Phillips' 4th period math class. The class is 55 minutes in length. John uses the restroom everyday at approximately the same time during Mr. Phillips' class. John has even tried to ask to go to the restroom twice during the class period on several occasions. This has been ongoing for the past week and a half. Mr. Phillips decides to put his foot down, and he lets John know that he is not permitted to use the restroom during class anymore. Mr Phillips calls John's parents and tells them that John has been abusing his restroom privileges in his class, and he's not allowed to use the restroom in his class anymore. Some back and forth ensues between Mr. Phillips and John's mother. John's mother ends the call by informing Mr. Phillips that she will be calling the Principal because he is refusing her son's right to use the restroom.

I have seen some teachers and student/parent relationships strained or damaged due to interactions like these. A different approach, or crafting the message in a different way, would of yielded better results. The end result here is for John to minimize the amount of instruction time he misses.

A crafted message to the scenario:

Mr. Phillips starts to respond to John's requests for restroom use with the question, "Are you able to wait several minutes until after this part of the lesson is done because I don't want you to get behind on this material?" This doesn't deter John. Mr. Phillips talked to John's other teachers, and he discovers that John is going to the restroom in all of his other classes at approximately the same time to. Mr. Phillips decides to take the initiative to call his parents. His phone conversation with the mother goes along the following lines:

Mr. Phillips: Good morning! This is Mr. Phillips, John's math teacher.
John's Mom: Yes, good morning.
Mr. Phillips: The purpose for my call is that I am concerned for John.
John's Mom: What do you mean?
Mr. Phillips: Well, for about the past week and a half, John has been missing substantial time from my class every day because he's requested to use the restroom. I'm trying to help him stay caught up as much as possible, and since it's been going on for over a week, I just thought I'd call to see if there is any medical reasons, which I don't need details about, that I should be aware of so that I can let the nurse and his other teachers know so that we are accommodating and offering alternatives so that he doesn't get behind with missing work.
John's Mom: No, Mr. Phillips. John is fine. He should not be leaving your classroom that much. It looks like he is starting that again this year with trying to get out of class to goof off or God knows what. He knows that my husband and I have told him repeatedly that he the only way he is to be leaving any classrooms is for emergencies, and I'd prefer him to ask to go to the nurse is he is feeling ill or something along those lines.
Mr. Phillips: Oh, I see. Thank you so much for that insight. That helps me out a lot. So, moving forward, how would you like me to address this because I don't want to deny him restroom privileges, but I don't want him getting behind with the work either.
John's Mom: Please do not let him leave your classroom. My husband and I will be having a long talk with him about this. He is only to go to the restroom in between classes because he doesn't need to miss any work. Mr. Phillips, I appreciate this phone call. Please let me know if he starts trying this again.
Mr. Phillips: Thank you for all of your help in this matter. I appreciate it. I will keep you and your husband updated with any other issues or concerns that may arise. Have a great rest of your day.
John's Mom: You too. Goodbye!

This was just one approach that could have been used to attack that issue. The main point that Mr. Phillips needed to get across was the loss of instructional time, and he needed him in the classroom as much as possible. The child's motive to get out of class, as relayed to him by the parent, is irrelevant to the bottom line at this point in time. Sometimes with communication and trying to relay the correct message, our feelings can sometimes get in the way for various reasons. When we can carefully decipher what the bottom line is and craft that message appropriately, the end results can work in our favor a significant amount of the time. Now, don't get me wrong, we know that this will not work all the time. However, trying to craft the message as best as we can may eliminate some degree of negativity.

Crafting the Message

I have really been focused on the importance of relationships in my life. It seems the older I get, the more value and emphasis I put on this aspect of my life. This goes for my family, my brothers and sisters I worship with weekly, fellow educators, friends, and anybody else that I come in contact with on a regular basis. Nurturing and maintaining healthy relationships are critical for balance in my life. At the core of these relationships is communication. As an educator, it is critical that what I say and what I am trying to convey is received the right way by those that I am communicating with. One thing that I learned early in my career from a seasoned educator is the practice of "crafting the message" to any and all stakeholders when communicating. Sometimes even our verbal or written responses to others may require a degree of separation from the matter before saying or sending our replies. If not careful about how the message is crafted, it can lead to some contentious interactions at that given time and in the future that are not conducive for a solid relationship with that other person.

Stay tuned, the next several blog posts will consist of concrete examples of "When Blunt Goes Wrong." Many situations require careful crafting of the message!

Classroom Expectations

First, this post was encouraged as a result of conversations in the 4 o'clock faculty voxer group revolving around classroom behavior and management.

So much has been written and researched in the area of classroom management from K-12 throughout the years. My last year teaching 8th grade math was in 2014, but the one thing that remains constant from then until now are classroom expectations that lead to student success. First and foremost, I strongly despise the word "RULES." That word immediately brings a negative connotation inside the minds of kids. In addition, I dislike consequences being posted in a room attached to the rules. If I am a student, that would show me that this particular room with these posted might consist of yelling, punishment, do's and do not's.

When I became connected and started forward thinking, my posted "classroom rules" changed to "classroom expectations." Those classroom expectations were derived from my first and second day of school conversations with the 5 classes I taught. At the secondary level, most kids are aware of their strengths and weaknesses in reference to what classrooms they've been successful with in the past. This was the first step on the first days of school that set the tone for student voice and empowerment for the remainder of the year. After all the suggested expectations were devised, all the classes picked the top 5 that they felt embodied every  component of the classroom that will help them be successful. When the 5 classroom expectations went up in poster form, ZERO apprehension was encountered because a top down approach was not utilized to set the tone of the classroom environment.

Impact

Everyday we should try to replay the "game film" of our day in our minds. I am increasingly working to improve upon this. Sometimes that my lead us to putting pen to paper or just getting lost (a good lost) in our thoughts. One of my former teachers reached out to me that let me know that one of the ESY students, who I'll refer to as John (a pseudonym) for the sake of this post. John is a 7th grade student with severe disabilities, and is basically nonverbal, with the exception of the words, yes, no, and PHILLIPS. I had to say bye to him on my last day with the district. However, due to his disability, he wasn't able to comprehend my transition.

John is a student that my family is very much aware and know about due to me talking about him all the time. My daughters always ask me about him. I made it a priority to visit John and all the other students in special programs on a daily basis. My oldest daughter had to come to school with me one morning before her doctor's appointment, and she got a chance to meet John. She witnessed my interactions with him and his one-on-one when he came knocking on my office door and yelling in his normal tone, "PHILLIPS."

On our way to the doctor's appointment, my daughter talked in length about my positive interactions with John and how he only knows how to say my name, or chooses, throughout the whole building of educators. She expressed that she wished the adults in her elementary school treated ALL students like I had shown John. We discussed in detail about how all kids deserve that type of treatment, regardless of anything that may make them different. She agreed that differences make kids the unique individuals that they are.

All students need to feel a sense of community in a school, no matter what. This call from the teacher made my day because it proved at least some evidence of making an impact. Everyday, we must strive to make an impact that makes students want to see us, be around us, learn from us, and enjoy us.

Transition

The more I reflect on the concept of "leaders are readers and writers," I have came to the blunt realization that outside of my doctoral work, I don't write enough. I have personally embarked on a new journey that starts today, and that is to blog every day for a year. My blog will just be an outlet and reflection piece for myself, regardless of the length or content (it all won't be about education). Here goes!

Transition can be hard as an educator. So much comes to your mind during transition time in the form of questions. Is this the right move? Will my replacement look after the kids like I have? Am I letting the staff that I serve down by leaving? All of these are valid questions. In my latest transition from an AP at a middle school south of where I reside to an AP at an elementary school north of where I reside, I have found that all transition is good for at least one party involved. I loved my former role, primarily the students, families, staff, and community. I never want to be known as a "job hopper," but in that same token, I don't want to be my own worst enemy either with not seeking opportunities for growth and advancement. Contrary to what some want us to believe, lateral moves aren't always bad or neutral. I have just experienced a lateral move that shows tremendous professional growth opportunities behind the scenes that don't necessarily equate to growth opportunities for position advancement.

I just completed my first week in my new position that involved a "lateral move." Not taking anything away from my previous role in my previous district, but in just my first week alone, I've grown in aspects like never before. Below is a detailed description of 2 activities the first week that stuck out to me.

1. My Principal brought me into a meeting with a district office administrator along with her other AP. The meeting focused on staffing needs and concerns for next year and requests. In my prior role, I would have never been afforded this opportunity due to only Principals primarily meeting with district office administrators. My Principal's perspective is that these are the meetings that her AP's need to experience to benefit them from a learning and preparation for the future principalship standpoint.
2. I was able to jump right into 2 district admin book studies that meet once a week. The books are Culturize by Jimmy Casas and the Leadership Gap by Lolly Daskal. Even though the 2 book study groups are already several meetings in, I was able to obtain the books a day prior to the weekly meeting. It was an awesome experience to be able to discuss topics and concepts from the books with other AP's and Principals of the district AND the Superintendent.

These 2 things stood out to me because they embody my belief system in how collaboration among educators should happen in order to push our thinking and boundaries of education. I was allowed to "learn." As educators, we stress everyday learning to our students. This "lateral" move has allowed me to learn everyday that I have been in this new role.

I look forward to what week 2 will bring.

Educators as First Responders for Kids Anywhere

I have truly come to love and appreciate Saturday mornings. As my kids get older, they have become mornings filled with barbershop visits, church activities, field hockey, TOT basketball, and some professional learning via Twitter (#satchat & #hackingleadership for example) and Voxer (mostly catching up on the Restorative Justice League and Edumatch groups). Saturdays allow me a chance to reflect and get recharged.

This morning was the beginning of my 5 year old son's second session of TOT basketball at our local rec. center. It is definitely an experience seeing so many 3-5 year olds running around trying to learn basketball. I watched my son and the other kids warm-up, go with their assigned coaches to their designated spots, and start working on dribbling with one hand. One group had a young coach (17 years old at most) and the little ones seemed to just be standing around not doing much, but playing among themselves. The interaction between the young coach and the kids seemed minimal. Several parents approached the head coach about their concerns with the kids in that one particular group not learning like the other groups. Even though my son was not in that group, I was curious to find out what was going on because all kids have a right to learn. This is my educator mindset kicking in now. They were short several coaches for this opening session so the young man had volunteered on the spot to help. I commend this young man for attempting this because it would probably be the case if in schools we pulled a financial analyst off of the street to teach math. He may have the knowledge, but not the skills and pedagogy to engage young people. As I was in educator and then coach mode, the words, "I will go coach those kids," came out of my mouth towards the head coach and 2 moms that were standing there. That response came from nowhere, but I guess it is ingrained in me since I am constantly responding to any situation that arises at the school I serve in.

By the time I made it to the 7 kids in the group, another mom made it over to help out as well. We quickly found out that the young man knew the game of basketball, but never had to teach it, especially to 3-5 year olds. I have always said that I couldn't not teach or lead students below the middle school level. Today proved that this has been a myth in my mind that is now gone. I gained so much joy from working with the little ones. They were eager to learn, respectful, enjoyed high fives, and did their best in every drill. Once my son's group took a water break, he was looking for me and as him and I made contact, he smiled so hard and gave me a hug when he noticed what I was doing. I was shocked that he didn't try to get into my group, but once I noticed him having a ball with new friends he made in his group, he wasn't moving over to where I was.

By responding to the challenge to help kids regardless of the fact that I was primarily there to watch and support my son, 7 young kids were not bored out of their minds, which could of lead to them giving their parents resistance next Saturday morning about coming back. Just like in our schools, we must do whatever it takes to ensure that students want to get up in the morning and come to school. If we can take this day by day to respond to any situation involving kids that leave them with a feeling of accomplishment, we can start to work on attendance and tardy issues that can plague our schools.

                                                            Jerod Phillips Jr. (PJ) - Age 5

The Cafeteria - My Personal Classroom Sometimes

What is a dollar worth? Let me rephrase that. What value can be gained from a dollar? For an educator, something small as a dollar can provide more insight than we can imagine.

Student: Mr. Phillips, here is your 50 cents.
Me: I was just kidding with you. Keep that for another snack or something.
Student: Really? Well, can I go back up to go through the line?
Me (After laughing): Just save it for tomorrow.
Student: Okay. True, true. Thanks.
Adult standing near me: Did you give him money?
Me: Yes
Adult standing near me: Did he do something good, or did you reward him for something?
Me: No. Are you telling me that you've never had a student ask you for 50 cents or a dollar while in your classroom before lunch or while you are in the cafeteria?
Adult standing near me: NO RESPONSE TO MY QUESTION
Me: I've been this way my entire career when it comes to kids and little things like this.

As an Associate Principal, I can only hope that the above interaction provided a learning experience for the student and the adult. I will start with the student. The student is one that briefly spent time with us last year, moved, and then returned to us this year after Christmas. The student never really opened up or tried to allow the adults in our school to build a relationship with him, as evidenced by the student's discipline record from last year and immediately after he returned. What the adult standing near me didn't know was that after meeting with this student's parent before he returned to our school, I gained more insight into the student. The student lives in a multi-family household with a single mother, not true male figures in his life, and he has trust issues. Ever since that meeting, I have been trying different tactics to build a relationship every time I see him at arrival time, hallway transitions, and in the cafeteria. Considering the student's living situation as explained by his mother, "extra food" at home is probably not the norm so I didn't hesitate giving the student a dollar for extra food or snacks. The fact that the student asked me and attempted to return my change as I jokingly asked him was huge for me. It showed me that I was getting somewhere with him. As educators, we have to take any and all opportunities to break down the walls that students have up. Then, and only then, can we begin to reach and teach them.

As for the adult standing near me for the second part of my exchange with the student, I hope this opened his or her eyes up to the fact that he or she must realize and truly learn the population we are serving. Any and all interactions must be meaningful in some way. Things we do for kids or don't do for kids shouldn't always hinge upon a token or reward system that centers on our thinking, ideologies, and biases. We must set those expectations and model them for the kids. I was intentional about modeling for this student the behavior, attitude, and care that needs to be exhibited to kids, and in turn, when possible, the student could in turn display those same traits in his home and school communities. I know that there are instances where we must be mindful of what kids are asking us for, but for things that deal with anything falling within that base of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, educators must do what they can to either help if possible or direct them towards help. We must not let ANY teachable moment pass us by, even in the cafeteria.